Falling
by Miss Pookamonga
Summary: The only thing running through her mind now was the fear, the agonizing fear that he would back away from her and let her fall. Helen/Nikola.


_Dear Readers,_

_After about...4? days of trying to figure out how to end this, I finally did and now I have posted. Originally, this was supposed to be a oneshot, but I MIGHT CONTINUE if I get REVIEWS. Got that? REVIEWS. If you really, REALLY want me to continue this, you had better TELL me such, or I probably won't. Got it? Good. Now...on with the, um...fluff. And angst. B/c the angst just HAS to be in there. LOL._

_Best Regards from a Bookworm (and Tesla addict),_

_Miss Pookamonga ;-P _

_PS: This is for elly and the girls on GateWorld. You know who you are ;) And also lastrequest :D_

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**Falling**

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"_**The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil water-way leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed somber under an overcast sky--seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness." **_

_**--from Joseph Conrad's **_**Heart of Darkness**

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"_What did he do to you?!"_

The sudden fierceness in his normally subdued voice caused her to jump, momentarily suspending her gasp of breath somewhere within her throat.

"What?" she croaked, her thoughts so muddled that she was still stuck in a haze between utter confusion at his words and complete understanding. His voice sounded so far away somehow, like a distant echo drifting aimlessly upon the wind—as if he wasn't even in the same room as she was. She blinked her eyes furiously, attempting to clear the dense fog permeating her mind, but when she did, she realized all too late that the action had only served to further perpetuate the already steady stream of tears rolling down her cheeks.

"_Did. He. Hurt you_." It was hardly a question that escaped his clenched teeth in a menacingly dark whisper. Had she been in a better state of mind, the slight but sharp edge of vengeful fury in his tone of voice would have struck pure terror through her heart. But it was only until he firmly gripped his shoulders with his all-too adept and surprisingly powerful hands, shaking her ever so slightly, that she finally snapped into focus.

And then it all came crashing down upon her.

"Oh _God_," she cried out in unadulterated agony, the wrenching sob ripping relentlessly through the thick air as her knees buckled beneath her and she collapsed into him.

Her fingers clutched desperately at his shirt collar and vest, clenching so tightly around the fabric that her knuckles paled under the intense pressure. At the same time, his arms instinctively encircled her violently shuddering body, drawing her close to his chest so rigidly that even if she had wanted to _try_ to, it would have been impossible for her to break free. He held her there for minutes, hours—she didn't know how long—while the sobs wracked her exhausted body and the salty tears poured off her cheeks, soaking a spot on his clothes. Between her anguished gasps of "oh god, oh god, oh god" and his protective grip crushing her against him, she could barely breathe, but she didn't want him to let go of her while she was still being tormented with the unyielding deluge of tears. If he let go, she would fall, crumpling to the floor, her wounded soul sinking down with her into the deep folds of her skirts. She didn't want to fall. She was terrified of falling, and right now she was barely hanging onto her sanity by a mere thread, the ominous darkness below stretching its deathly cold arms out to entrap her in its black sepulcher forever.

"Shh," he whispered gently against her skin. "Shh, Helen."

Amidst her weeping, she shivered at the almost-contact of his lips with the space beneath her ear. But unlike the night before, with John, the cold thrill that shot down her spine was utterly different. She couldn't place what it was, but somehow…somehow there was a cavernous discrepancy between the way John delicately whispered her name…and the way Nikola did.

And the sudden realization of that slammed her headlong into the icy wave of guilt and confusion once more, inciting more tears to flow ruthlessly over her flushed cheeks.

"Oh _god, _I don't know why…idiot, idiot, I am such an _idiot_!" she wept bitterly, clinging to Nikola for dear life.

"Helen…tell me…please…" His lips unwittingly danced over her skin as the cracked whisper emerged from them. The cold thrill shot through her again, and she inwardly cursed herself for her stupidity as she pounded a fist against Nikola's chest.

Of all the things that she had chosen to exercise a lack of discretion about, it had had to have been _that._

Cursed passion…cursed feelings that she had been, until now, so sure were signs of love…oh why, _why_ had she, a sensible lady, not had the decency to say _no?_

No matter how much she tried to pin the blame on John, or on circumstance, or on the "instability" of her mental state at the time, the wheel of accusation only spun right around again and pointed shamelessly at her. The condemnation belonged to her as much as it did to John or to anything else present at the time, and she knew it. It had been her _choice_, her own reckless decision in the heat of the moment—she had freely _consented _of her own will and had given herself over to him completely, and no matter how desperately she wished she could, what she'd so carelessly given away…she could _never _again gain that back.

But as horrible as that was, it was only made infinitely worse by the fact that she truly didn't know whether she loved him or not. Or whether he really loved her back.

There were times, like the fateful night before, when Helen _felt _that she loved him and that her feelings were reciprocated. Felt so strongly that she was willing to abandon all reason to the vile winds of unbridled passion at the expense of her own dignity.

But then there were times, like now, when John's seemingly gentle demeanor around her, his smooth words and charming mannerisms, suddenly paled to nothing more than dull shadows of what they could have been. Paled in comparison to the enigmatic tenderness of someone else, someone else just as dear to her in her heart…or perhaps even more so…

The very man holding her tightly in his arms.

_Nikola._

Oh, god, she was so confused.

"Helen…" Another chilling shudder rippled down her spine at his voice gently whispering her name once again, and for a split second, the sensation comfortingly numbed her aching, trembling body. She suddenly became aware of Nikola's long fingers softly tracing circles against her back, and an almost relieved sigh escaped her lips as the tears finally began to subside.

But then, like a flash of light, the memory of John holding her tenderly, whispering her name, outlining patterns on her skin, seared through her thoughts, and her breath was once more swallowed up by yet another loud wail of anguish.

"Please…" she murmured helplessly against Nikola's chest. _Please don't say my name like that again. Please don't hold me like this…like you love me… Please don't make me more confused than I already am…_

But then he suddenly slipped his palms against her wet cheeks and tilted her chin upwards, forcing her to stare straight into his eyes.

"Tell me, Helen. Tell me what happened," he murmured almost pleadingly, mournful eyes darkened with concern and thumbs gently wiping the tears from her skin.

It was then that she lost it completely.

How it happened, she didn't quite know, nor did she know why. All she knew was that he was suddenly so dangerously close to her, that she could feel the warm breath expelling from his perfectly parted lips, that his strong hands firmly cupping her face made her feel more secure than she had felt in years, that…oh _god, _his glistening steel-blue eyes were the most stunningly beautiful things she'd ever seen in her life…

She kissed him.

She didn't allow either of them time to think. In a split second, she dove for the chance and their lips suddenly collided, the surprise of the impact catching Nikola utterly off-guard. His eyes widened in shock and he froze momentarily in the awkward embrace, granting her the opportunity to press her mouth even harder against his.

But then, the gravity of her action suddenly seemed to snap into place for him, and his body instantly stiffened as if to pull away from her.

_NO! _

The inward scream seared through Helen's mind, burning her with a fear so great that she could almost physically feel its crippling force demolishing her strength from within. He couldn't let go…no, she couldn't let him, she didn't _want_ him to let go, she _needed_ him there to keep her from falling…

Almost as quickly as she had initiated the kiss, she let her hand fly up to his hair and fist itself in it, clutching fiercely and yanking his head downward in one swift motion so that his face was crushed so impossibly close to hers that there seemed hardly any way for him to escape. He let out a groan of surprise and tried to push Helen away from him, but she was ready for it and only pulled harder.

The only thing running through her mind now was the fear, the agonizing fear that he would back away from her and let her fall.

It compelled her lips to move faster, more wildly against his own, not allowing him a chance to breathe lest he use the breath to distance himself from her. She raked her fingers through his hair, shoving them through the thick dark strands and driving them firmly against his scalp. The gesture suddenly elicited another groan from Nikola's throat, but this time she was almost sure that it hadn't been as much of a protest as the one before it.

Feeling slightly more encouraged, she intentionally let out what she hoped was an endearing sigh, opening her mouth just slightly to let the words slip out and dance blissfully across his lips…

"Oh, Nikola…"

It worked.

Gradually, his body began to relax against hers, and he leaned into the kiss, finally consenting to move them in time with Helen's rather than resisting. The pace slowed, the kisses growing softer and tenderer instead of being desperately rushed. Nikola gently slipped his arms back around Helen's waist and resumed tracing little swirls on her back with his fingers, slowly inching one hand upward until his fingers were soothingly stroking the back of her neck.

Helen breathed another sigh upon Nikola's lips, this time unintentionally. At that, he slowly drew his lips away from hers and bent his nose downward, letting it travel across her skin towards her chin, where he turned his head slightly to press his lips underneath it. She sighed again and let her fingers relax in his hair as she tilted her head upward in response.

It was then that his vampire instinct took over and he finally dragged his lips farther downward until they came to rest on the side of her neck, just below her ear. Helen suddenly froze in terror, her gasp of alarm strangled in her throat. But to her relief, he didn't do what she had half-expected him to do, and he merely placed a soft kiss on the spot, just barely grazing her skin with his teeth before trailing more tantalizingly gentle kisses down the side of her neck.

She sighed again and turned her head to bury her nose in his neck as he re-traced his kisses upward again. Softly whispering his name against his skin, she placed her own butterfly kisses on his neck, gently moving her fingers in slow circles through his dark hair. He moaned quietly against the underside of her chin as her fingers coursed downward to tease the strands at the nape of his neck and she let her kisses travel lightly across his jaw line.

Utter bliss…euphoria…Helen couldn't even begin to describe how lost she was in the ecstasy of the moment. It was breathtaking exhilaration, rapturous pleasure, heaven in every sense of the word…nothing could compare with it, not even the night before with John. She was letting herself loose in almost the exact same way, not thinking and only allowing her emotions to take control, but something about this felt so…_right_…so untainted by a dark cloud of some unnamed fear or uncertainty…

And suddenly, she knew what it was that made this different.

_Who _it was.

John didn't make her feel like this. _Completely_ protected, completely safe, completely happy…there was always a twinge of unease lurking around the corner when she was with him—she couldn't place exactly _what _it was, but there was an inkling of something sinister that hovered around his presence, even in his most enticingly affectionate moments. With Nikola, whatever he concealed from her didn't give her the slight sense of danger of harm intended towards her. There were shadows, yes—shadows of a shrouded past that slipped through his person and fleetingly flickered in his eyes like a candle held to a mirror. But they were _his _shadows, shadows that didn't seek to encircle her and choke away her life. She could tell by the way he acted around her—sometimes gentle and quietly humble, sometimes loud and arrogantly abrasive, but always protective of her, always putting up a wall and shying away whenever the shadows inched too close. Sometimes John let his shadows just barely touch her, and the whispering language they spoke was one of dread and latent violence. It was a language so frightening that sometimes, when she lay in his arms, she couldn't help but feel little tremors quaking through her body and soul at the closeness of the darkness.

But Nikola? No. He never let it get that far.

Slowly, Helen slipped her hands over the tender skin on Nikola's neck, bringing her fingers forward until she could slide her palms down his chest. His lips found hers again, brushing teasingly over them until she sighed blissfully once more. Then he increased the pressure, just barely tugging on her bottom lip as she leaned farther into him and moaned softly against his mouth. He pulled her even closer, moving his mouth so tantalizingly slowly over hers that she moaned just a tiny bit louder and her fingers began toying with his open shirt collar, skimming lightly over the exposed skin.

He then slid his lips away from hers and brought them to her cheek, where he let them linger for a moment before sliding them farther back to her ear. Slowly, tenderly, he kissed his way downward until he reached that sensitive spot just below her ear. For a second, he allowed his lips to stay there, unmoving, while he breathed against her skin, sending shivers down Helen's spine. Then, he finally let his mouth caress the spot with a languid kiss as he slid his hands enticingly down her body to rest on her hips.

She sighed softly first, but he began to press just a bit harder, allowing his teeth to scrape gently against her skin, and the sigh grew into a gasp of utter pleasure as she tilted her head back and staggered into him. It was then, when he drew her hips even closer to his warm body, when the kiss grew so intoxicatingly delightful that the waves of dizziness completely consumed her and she had no strength left to stand—it was then that she felt it. A small, sharp shock that suddenly jolted through her entire body, fizzling down her spine, stinging and numbing her nerves in one quick flash of a second. It was then, when the electricity sizzled and buzzed from him to her, the tingling lightning jumping from one body to the other…it was then that she finally collapsed breathlessly against him and let out a loud cry of unadulterated ecstasy.

And it was then that he suddenly froze.

For a moment, Helen thought that he had merely paused to breathe, but when he didn't budge after taking a few well-needed gulps of air, she realized with an ominous feeling of dread that something was wrong. _Very_ wrong.

But before she could open her mouth to say his name, Nikola's body grew stiff and he hastily pushed himself away from her, spinning around to face in the opposite direction.

Helen couldn't help the soft whimper that escaped her throat at the abrupt break of contact. She saw Nikola flinch at the sound as he stalked away from her, running his hands over his face in obvious distress. He kept wandering aimlessly like that until he reached the wall and let his forehead fall wearily against it, one arm propped crookedly overtop him.

Oh, god.

_What had she done?_

The answer flew into her mind immediately, the inner voice's reply terrifying her with its sudden promptness. _You used_ _him, that's what, _the voice growled fiercely. _You used him to make yourself feel better. To forget about last night._

_No! No I didn't! _she protested in horror, tearing her eyes from the disturbing sight of the anguished Nikola. _I would never—_

_You would. You just did._

No. She hadn't used him. She couldn't have. She hadn't been trying to distract herself or escape from the awful memory or…

But then he finally turned back around to face her, and the agony in his eyes betrayed the truth.

He knew.

Oh, god. She _had _been using him and he _knew_.

"Nikola…"

"I'm sorry," he interrupted, his voice cracked with exhausted despair. "I shouldn't have…done that…"

But if he thought he was to blame, then why did the expression on his face say otherwise?

"Nikola…no, it's not—"

"You did, didn't you?" he said in a low whisper.

Helen shut her mouth and furrowed her brow in sudden confusion. "What?"

He didn't say anything. Something merely flickered darkly in his eyes, and the understanding of what he was referring to seeped into her like ice-cold water sliding down her throat.

The look on her face must have given her away, for he swiftly turned away from her again and wandered back towards the wall, furiously shoving his fingers through his hair.

"I should have known from the moment you came here…" he murmured softly, much too softly. Helen shuddered, hanging her head in shame and blinking back hot tears. "I should have known what had happened between you and…foolish of me to be so rash…to think…" His voice trailed off dejectedly.

To think _what_?! To think that she…

Helen's breath suddenly caught in her throat.

_To think that she loved him._

Oh, god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh _god, _she was a bloody _moron_.

His head suddenly whipped upward and his burning eyes locked with hers, the agonizing pain in them tearing straight through her soul. She shuddered again at the intensity of the emotions raging through them, terrified of the unbridled power shifting through the glassy irises darkened by the storm she had just created. "Tell me the truth, Helen," he choked, holding back tears, "…what…what is it that you really want?"

Her heart stopped.

_Who _was it that she really wanted? _That _was the question.

And she didn't know how to answer.

Her mouth opened slightly and her voice staggered, stalling for time, terrified of remaining silent. But when she finally forced out a reply, she wished with all her might that she had just kept her mouth shut in the first place, barring herself from making the second most idiotic mistake of her life.

"I…I…Nikola…just…forget this ever happened…please…it's easier…"

The hurt that flooded through his eyes was indescribable.

She fled.

She couldn't bear to look at his anguished face any longer, to blatantly face what she'd done to him, to stare straight into the wound that _she _had so carelessly inflicted. So she fled, backing out the door of his tiny dormitory and running mindlessly down the darkened corridors of the school, tears blurring her vision and streaming relentlessly down her face. She ran and ran and ran until all her breath was spent and her legs gave out on her, causing her to collapse against a wall and crumple helplessly to the floor.

And then she sobbed.

She thrust her face into her lap and wailed pitifully, screaming into her skirts as the steaming tears soaked through the fabric. Her body quaked viciously with the shuddering cries and tortured howls of untamable sorrow until she could shed tears no longer and her voice had grown too weary to even hardly utter any audible sound. Curling her body up more tightly, she laid her forehead upon her knees, choking out whatever weak cries she had left.

Coward. She was such a damn coward.

"Oh, Nikola…I'm so sorry…" she whispered to the air.

But of course, he couldn't hear her.

Only she could hear her own voice, echoing through the cavernous darkness whipping past her as she hurtled into the abyss, falling, falling, falling downward until the shadows devoured her completely.

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**REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! If you do, I may continue! **

Hey, that rhymes...

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